drowning

i was sitting by the window in one of the wards in the hospital today, i observed the movement of the clouds, the weather. and i ended up writing how i felt in this poem.

tatkala di sisi tingkap,
awan kelihatan putih
dibelakangi biru,
ia mendung,
ia cerah,
demi perubahan menurut angin.

adakah cinta juga demikian?
mendung dan cerah,
berselang-seli.
pasang dan surut,
berselang-seli.
tiada yang cerah
buat selama-lamanya,
masih tercari-cari
masih menantikan,
saat itu - cerah selama-lamanya.

at the every moment, i felt, relationship is just like the weather. there's always a sunny time, and rainy time. why is it not always sunny?

why?

when things already look so bad, and things are getting out of hands. i am alone, what can i do?
i still have to act strong, going through the heavy rain that blurred my vision just to prove people that they are wrong. i am supposed to live this life for myself and only myself.. but it seem like, life is all about satisfying people, pleasing them, trying to make yourself look good.

help.

argh

just when things seem to be so anticipating..

.. and just when i thought some things are getting better..

...

...

i don't know.

it just somehow ended with a dis-opinion talk which i hated, due to a person and life.

life sucks, don't they? they just kept disappointing you.

doubt

many a times, i will start to ask myself if i am in the right course, doing the right thing, will i be able to survive through it knowing the journey has the amount of unexpected and unseen torns i can see when i go mountain climbing. yes, i would say the path is much tougher than climbing the mountain.

besides handling the path, there will be other paths which suddenly or knowingly that emerges from the path, going to the right or left and here they come, joining from one to the other. now, everything is getting more complicated, more stress is put on the shoulder.

till, i felt, i couldn't breathe.

yes, you read that, and i am not kidding.

there were times, in fact more than once when i thought i should quit. i shouldn't continue making my path more difficult. do only what i can, and not what i want. how naive i can be before this? thinking that if i want something, there must be a way to achieve it, although it seem almost impossible because i might not have the capability.

it became worse, when i know of things i hated to know about. it pulled me down, real down, almost into the well where no one can ever get to save me. this is negative, everything was negative. i tried to find my way out from the maze, which almost suffocate me, unfortunately i think i am still in it.

how long will i survive the maze? i wonder. why am i doing this? i could just give up, and the maze will solve itself and let me out. why am i still holding on? can i make it?

no, i don't think i am emotional. but somehow, things just look bad.

*****
to you know who you are, i am really proud of you! you have walked out from the darkness of the relationship that you were once in. and as told, i am loving you at 200%! and forever more. you were right, behind every POPULAR girl, there is a BEST GUY FRIEND. :) and you should know that, i am there for you, a phone call or a text away too.

happy and still happy that you made it!